Happiness Is All Made Up


Is being happy all made of this cumbia, self-worth, oneness, consciousness?

Absolutely NOT.  That is my sediment.

I wake up and believe today I am going to be happy.  Well, that is the first thing I was told to say,  in so many readings, affirmation, meditations, time and time again.  There are peaks I  have had of happiness, that I try to “manifest in my vortex”  and reflect on those memories, to make my brain, heart, and soul feel like I am worthy of happiness.

You see these people, under the titles of “Being happy within yourself,” well I just can’t  seem to find myself.  Anyway, who the fuk am I.    Do I have to have a smile on my face at all times and walk around like I am on acid, and look like the village idiot, not caring about a fuken thing.   NO.

Let me tell you something, I have been doing this from 2008 and my day is consumed of reaching trying to reach that point of being happy of being happy and loved.   Guess what, I am not.  Dealing with life’s ups and downs for me is like a bad trip on a roller-coaster, sometimes feeling like my hair gets stuck in one of the gears.  How is that for explaining a low.   Now come on people, if you go out to your car and have a flat and not only is it snowing out, but the wind chill factor is below zero and you have to call your boss to tell him

Now come on people, if you go out to your car and have a flat and not only is it snowing out, but the wind chill factor is below zero and you have to call your boss to tell him you’re going to be late.   Fuk, doesn’t come out of your mouth, or you are going to meditate on the AAA is going to get there soon.  Yeah, right, there’s a day without pay you need to make your rent or buy food.

Oh yeah, boo hoo, fukin’ me.

Everyone has endured obstacles in their life and they preserved through them.  I did too.  From from 16 years of age to 20.  The world was mine and I was living like a rock-star, not to mention, I knew a few.  Does my youth smother the life I live now?    Does my youth smother the life now, the care free days I am supposed to have today?   Nothing, nothing bothered me.  I was free as a bird, and free now.  Only at this time I just perch and not fly.  I hear music from those days and I forget about everything today.  What a paradoxical thought.

I had two, detachments while meditating, it was the most surreal feeling and wish I could stay there.  Other than being DOA for 7 minutes, that was peace.   I wonder if the people who say they are one if they are having the conscious mind really become the unconscious mind and are in that place, I know so many of us want to be and struggle to be.

Sometimes people I know being with someone, having a partner they feel complete, and that is the only thing they “think” makes them complete.  Well, we all know that is bullshit.  It’s a set up for a let down.   Yes, it is all warm and fuzzy the first 3 months, but then the true us surfaces and rear our ugly heads, or walk that straight line that we already paved for us in the relationship.  They fake it.

Oh, vacations, we are running from reality that society, family, friends unknowingly put boundaries for us.  euphoric, drinking ourselves to death, screwing our partners or stranger to death.  Plane lands, a dark cloud covers up our good times the next week but put them in that drawer of good times.  So few.

Therapy, been there, still doing it.  Feels great for a stranger you are doing the right thing or the wrong thing, and give us the “tools” to keep on the right track of life.  Who made up these rules of life.  Society, religion, psychology.  Almost every famous inventor, writer, knowledgeable person that made a mark in history was known to be ‘mad’, on the best opium, unstable with some psychotic notion of being mentally ill.   So, what is the correct meaning of the right way of the path of life?  What was written for us to read?  Where is the script to follow, with a standing ovation?

Toltec, spirituality, now finding out we have to drink a tea, like Ayahausca to clean our vortex of our brain that holds all the subconscious bullshit we learned and start with a clean slate.   Jesus Christ had when He made more wine and bread, call Mana in the bible, drank.  It was a tea he made from mushrooms, and slices of the mushroom for bread.

tea.  Everything is beautiful.   These are my thoughts, but look at pictures in the bible, last dinner, mushroom are all around, big mushrooms.  Everyone was out of their blessed mind to make and write scripture of any religion.  Again in my opinion, but I have facts to back all of this up.   Is Christ, coming, has he gone and we are waiting for him to come again, is he here? I don’t want to turn this into a religious rant.  It’s about being happy.

We were all born with the love of everyone.  The pure feeling of life and the beginnings of learning what is out in the world.  The restrictions, boundaries, the unpleasantries, pleasantries.  Our very first boundary is from our beloved mother who loved us unconditionally until we get our own thoughts and questionable intrigue.  She loved us for the first year and so many months, then the no’s came. They told us we are wrong.  Conflict, she loved me, know she is yelling at me.  Confused by her concern, we rebel.  Rebel from our first love.  OUR happy place of love.   If we weren’t unconditionally loved by a parent, I feel we are better off.  For what we don’t know there are no expectations.Those feelings are really created by the self-judgment, criticism, and beliefs in the mind for which we were taught and told.

Happiness, all this time to try and find it.  They say it’s right in front of you.  We have to work at it.  Work to erase everything we know was taught all our lives.  Give me a lobotomy; that is what I need.

My new mantra is:   Fuk it, I just don’t care.

Rebuttals welcome.

I hope all that read this, is truly happy as I read we are suppose to be.  Maybe I will get there and maybe I won’t


The Bitchen Pheonix







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