I don’t understand most of the things, circumstances, and people that happened in my life. I have been on this journey to find out the big word, Why? I was told to stop beating myself up and just to be. My sub-conscience will let me know when it is time for me. Yes I know people come and go. Circumstances happen for a reason or for no reasoning reason. This is life. Sometimes hard to take.
As it stands right now everything I have ever loved and cared for has only become a great sacrifice, they learned, I dug them out, and they just leave. The ones that stick around suck the life out of me.
I reflect upon dreams and my wishful thinking and I still stand alone.
I know being alone and feeling alone are two different veins we choose to make. I for one would be the one that chooses just to be. Maybe it was a huge mistake, but I made my choice. Loneliness sets in, but it is like a second skin. I don’t think I would know how to live with anyone, but yet I do fantasize about it.
What does it all mean? Was I put here on this earth to collect peieces of people along lifes path. To carry lessons learned that will always live in my heart.
What does it all mean, reaching my later years of life, just to carry the lessons to be my inspiration? Inspiration to do what? I feel like I have done it all. I have loved, I have lived, I have been hurt, I always wanted to give. Now I feel I have become a recluse because I seem to not fit with any one that feels like I do. Either with a partner or a wife; too tired to adventure or to go out for dinner at night.
I want to go climb the Appalachians in my back yard. Feel waterfalls cold ice water drop on my head. See forever to horizons that aglow, lay on a bed of pine and smell the aroma of the after glow.
I myself feel I am empty as they come. I gave people I cared for everything I had, from a word to a lifetime of reasoning, forgetting about the one that stands alone.
I must remember these words I have written some time ago:
To give is beautiful and fore fills my emptiness, but after is all said and done, will I still be standing alone. (1992)
I am going to go find me a fkn marching band !!
The Bitchen Phoenix